This is not a spell

or is it?

REPOSTING this from a couple years back for all subs. I just need it again. Maybe you can. use it too.

This particularly:

May you sit with something achy and lovely today and be ok with it.
May you let go a bit of your grip on the edge of the earth.

I think a lot about how there was once a time when I did not know that life was so very twisty and turny. I mean, like anything can happen at any time. Anything. Really. The old Greeks were like change is the only constant, and when you’re young you don’t give a shit about that or any other wisdom. But I do now. I remember sitting in my therapist’s office and looking at this painting of a circle that he said was representative of the circle of life, and thinking about my place on the ring. Round and round. I think I argued with him about where birth vs. death was on the print. I thought I could see that my kids were just starting to ascend, and my father was very low on the curve, and I realized that I was pretty far down past the middle. I think I said I am in descent, mister out loud, and it made my old therapist uncomfortable.

That was a very uncomfortable year. I was too big on the inside for my skin. I was like a fake twin of myself. I was hollow and holding desperately to the very edge of the world so that things would not change (more). I was trying to stop everything with my sheer determination. My mother had just been killed in a car accident, my father had a broken neck, and my marriage was in decay. And I was not yet able to see the beauty of letting go a bit. Allowing room. Room for healing. For surprises. For peace. For the absolute magic of change.

I think about that day sometimes too. Sitting there in the office of my no-longer-therapist. I think about how life is not something that is done to us. Something that we need wrestle with, but more like a grassy trail to just keep walking along. Up. Down. Round and round. The views are fucking stunning if you look

I guess my spell is for some of you who are kinda like me. If you need it.

May you sit with something achy and lovely today and be ok with it.
May you let go a bit of your grip on the edge of the earth.

ilysm.

thanks for listening xo

amy

• Tadasuke Kuwayama artwork.

• “Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.”

  ―David Foster Wallace