This is not a spell

or maybe it is

I think a lot about how there was once a time when I did not know that life was so very twisty and turny. I mean, like anything can happen at any time. Anything. Really. The old Greeks were like change is the only constant and when you’re young you don’t give a shit about that or any other wisdom. But I do now. I remember sitting in my therapist’s office and looking at this painting of a circle that he said was representative of the circle of life and thinking about my place on the ring. Round and round. I think I argued with him about where birth vs. death was on the print. I thought I could see that my kids were just starting to ascend, and my father was very low on the curve, and I realized that I was pretty far down past the middle. I think I said I am in descent mister out loud, and it made my old therapist uncomfortable. That was a very uncomfortable year. I was too big on the inside for my skin. I was like a fake twin of myself. I was hollow and holding desperately to the very edge of the world

so that things would not change (more). I was trying to stop everything with my sheer determination. My mother had just been killed in a car accident, my father had a