Make a patchwork invincibility suit of old dreams and lovers and Benetton sweaters, REM songs and ancient blockbuster cards.

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Sometimes we are aware of when it goes—like you can have a bit left on the back of your knees or behind your ear, directly over your heart, but then it’s gone. Your invincible skin. You are driving in a car, aware that at any moment death can come, or you watch someone you love suffer, or the clock spins faster, or you, the most dangerous girl in the world, won't even dare take ibuprofen after drinking alcohol now. You just know it's different. Things are scary or seem out of reach. I miss that freedom of endless time and resilience and unstoppable energy and bright-wild confidence. I see it in my sons and I am so happy, and then I see the opposite of it in my aging father sometimes, and then I am here somewhere in the in-between, and it feels awkward.

I'm currently trying to get that feeling back. Freedom to not constantly fear death. Freedom to trust I know what is best for me. I want to be an artist and fucking mean it. Even in this nightmare of America, this absolute shit show timeline we are all on. It's odd because now I do have this other sense of freedom, like I’m not bothered about what other people think of me so much anymore. It used to be a problem. I felt like I was not good enough even though I thought everyone else was. Aging is a good curse. I finally feel good enough and now, dammit, I feel like I don't have all the time in the world anymore.

I'm out here in my main character/healing era, working super hard on making a patchwork invincibility suit of old dreams and lovers and Benetton sweaters, REM songs and ancient Blockbuster cards. I’m wearing bikinis and forgiving myself and trusting in time. I'm remembering everything about the young Amy and meeting her here. In the present, where I can still be free.

the 90s

Here are some tips I have been playing around with for recapturing that invincible (skin) feeling while being sorta okay with where/who you are right now.

Powerful Feeling Charge
Get horny for life. Try something new. Learn something. Pick up a hobby. Travel. Really go for something you've put off. Success makes you feel untouchable and being in the act of growth reminds you of your power. I started taking philosophy courses this year and will probably get a degree in it. Why? Because it was something I always liked and when the chance came, I just said yes. I feel powerful and smart. Critical thinking and being with others who want to discuss and plan and make life better feels good.

Writing Prompt: Write about a secret dream you have, write about something you have always wanted to do. Then tape it up in your bathroom as a reminder. As a talisman of truth.

Unfortunate GD Truth
That vitality we want is made from exercising and sleep and good food. Even if it feels good to go on a bender and smoke cigs on boats with young people, it's the radiant health that restores. I'm working on less wine and more walks and pilates and researching bone density.

Writing Prompt: My body likes it when….Use this as a jump off writing prompt. Repetition. Write 15 lines.