like the quietest the earth has ever been
i had this therapist who had a certain expression when i talked about death & probably they did not realize it only i did
i can have my head on your chest and hear your heartbeat lub dub lub dub and i still think about how we are all walking around like time bombs little worrisome wonders and i can hear laughter all the way down a hallway and still worry about you out there in the broad daylight walking around with all that love and i can be warm under quilts soft with sleep and still dream about what it will be like when everyone dies and i don’t know if i am broken or if i have too much fear or too much love is there a word for she’s lovely but she will always hold the weight of the world on her collar bones i want to know how i can be listening to your heartbeat the flow of blood the valves snapping shut how i can hear your own distinct heart tones and still think about all of the people who are gone and how someday maybe there is nothing but the emission of sounds of such low intensity that they do not draw attention to themselves like the quietest the earth has ever been there was this painting of the last supper in the old church of my childhood and now i see dead people superimposed over jesus and the apostles in my head when i think about death and the table gets longer the older i get and now i just want to have something else to think about maybe the blue sea or the yellow light and i can be so happy like i am now but will i always be out here in the weird
-ATS 2023
It is Friday and I love you. xo
Out here in the weird is where it’s at!