I love you like a hot spell or the most rain that ever fell.
writings 3/11/24
total eclipse ohioÂ
botox in jowls look like what
how to make hummusÂ
do people know there’s a turd in saturdayÂ
diane arbus
what is lfg
eyebrow dye but use beard dye
normal blood pressure range
how long can u hold your breath until you pass outÂ
how long will this go on
how to talk about panic attacks
is the me inside of google searches the real meÂ
do i exist there
these are the days of our lives
the real me
what is happening
what the fuck is going on
prompt:
write out your google searches and leave them somewhere in public. this is not a drill.
three small things
days, nowa: all the saddest songs on TikTok on loop as you worry, like it is your career, your legacy, the things you will leave behind.
The way I always say, "Come back, come back to me." A child needs you, even when they go away on purpose. Isn't young adulthood always on purpose? The leaving, the running away from problems, the fighting against the old ways of old people. "This is my middle finger, mom. See it?" I always say, "Come back here if it gets too much, and it will, to the small room you once slept in." You grew into a whole, large man in the room with its windows and broken closet door. Come back to the safety of your mother's arms. Look, they are still strong, and they feel like hope. I love you like a hot spell or the most rain that ever fell. Say the word demonstrative in your bed at night. No one can read lips in the dark.
all that work and what did it get me
I eat the appropriate amount of protein each day, like I am a beast. Sometimes I have 100 grams before 2 pm, and I do all the things that are better for me than drinking a bottle of wine a day and chain-smoking Marlboro Lights in my suburban garage. I try to deliver some grace to my stubborn mind. You are good, and you are sweet, and you are not measured by thigh gaps or slim chins or non-textured skin. Really, you are okay. I think TikTok has reminded me of death. I am old. Err. I am older. What does it even matter? I grab the soft skin of my inner thighs. This is different. I say that often. I try and act like it does not alarm me. Nothing does. Chomps meat sticks have lots of protein. I took the drugs, but the drugs aren’t working.
silent review of divorce and motherhood
Hands up like a robbery, hands around neck. Stomping, sad face turning into mad face, turning into tears—they fall, and you can’t hear them unless you are an ant. Teeth, all the teeth showing, thumbs up, thumbs down simultaneously. Arms stretch out like maybe someone will save you. Nonchalant empty pockets gesture five times in a row, dancing, and then throwing self on the ground, curling into a ball, holding yourself, arms moving so slowly. Fetal position. ‘Sup’ facial gesture two times.
ILYSM
Xo
amy